Daddy, Date, Daughter: In That Order

Saturday, October 2, 2010

I do not think we have a divorce problem, I think we have a dating problem. Our culture has sold a lie to our fathers who dare step up to the plate and be the protectors that God has called them to be.  When a father says to their daughters, “You are not wearing that outfit,” our culture tells him, “Oh, you are just being too over-protective.”  I believe the order should be Dad first, then date (guy), then daughter.  Why would you give your daughter to a young man who you would not even loan your car to? Dennis Rainey asks the question, “How many of you men want your daughters to experience the same dating experiences that you had?”  He says in a room of 300 men, three hands might go up. I say it’s time for a change. Because the way we are doing things now just is not working. One of the biggest battles that I face as the S.E. Representative for “Becoming A Modern Day Princess”  is convincing the girls to allow their fathers to take their role of protector in her life, and getting the Fathers to accept that mantle of responsibility.

Dr. David Jeremiah said, “For any woman, one very dominating influence is her father, he is the first man to whom she gives her heart, and how he reacts strongly affects her future with men.”
This is a vivid reminder of the incredible impact a father has on his daughter’s life, modeling a life of integrity and protecting his daughter’s purity.  The relationship between fathers and daughters sets the stage for all future romantic activities and feelings. Your girls are really looking to you Fathers to gain your approval and see how you value things.
When you talk to a group of girls about their fathers, the impact of their fathers is so significant that I don’t really think we understand it as a culture.
These are the questions that we asked Robert when he came to pick up our daughter for their second date.  (Now keep in mind, Robert was 6 years older than, Amanda, he owned his own business and owned his own home.)  We felt that he was in the market for a wife, not just a casual acquaintance.  It is also important to note that we asked Robert these questions with the permission of Amanda our daughter, who was wise enough to want to know who she was risking giving her heart to.  Keep in mind that as parents you are not looking for perfection, you are looking for brokeness.  The Bible tells us that Jesus can only pour the Holy Spirit into BROKEN VESSELS.  Brokeness is the key, not perfection.
Things for you to ask boyfriend/fiancé/future spouse:
  1. So what’s God been doing in your life lately?
  2. Tell me about your parents. Describe them to me. What are their personalities like?  What are their hobbies?  (Note: The one he chooses to talk about first is generally the one he is closest too.)
  3. Tell me about yourself.
  4. Tell me about your quiet time.  What are you reading for your quiet time? Are you currently involved in a supplemental Bible Study?
  5. Would you be willing to do a Bible Study:  DISC, Marriage, and Resolving Conflict?
  6. Where do you stand in your relationship with God?
  7. What types of movies do you go to?
  8. What do you think about people who drink or people who smoke?
  9. To what degree have you been exposed to or involved in pornography, drugs and or alcohol, witchcraft?  NoteIf there is a generational curse of alcoholism, I spend quite a bit of time on the alcohol question.  Be very specific.  When was the last time you drank?  What was it?  How much did you drink?  When was the last time you were drunk?
  10. How far is too far?
  11. Do you believe in kissing?
  12. Do you think it is okay to French kiss? Why or Why Not?
  13. What are your physical boundaries?
  14. How honorable have you been with past relationships?  Are you a virgin?  If not, how many girls have you slept with?  How far have you gone in your other relationships?
  15. How much debt do you have?  How much money did you make last year?  How much do you have in your savings/checking account?  Do you live on a budget?  How do you feel about debt?  What is your plan for getting out of debt?  What are your long-term financial goals? (Note: Do not think you are being to nosey, financial pressure has been the number one cause of divorce for years.)
  16. (Daughter’s Name), are you comfortable with (Potential Spouse’s) earning potential?
  17. (Potential Spouse), are you comfortable with (Daughter’s) spending habits?
  18. Are you able to be one when it comes to your finances?
  19. What are your deepest pains or regrets?  What is the good that God has brought out of those pains or regrets?
  20. Why are you a Christian?
  21. What are your greatest strengths?
  22. What are your greatest weaknesses?
  23. What’s your plan for overcoming your weaknesses?
  24. Have you listened to DISC/Marriage Series by Pastor John?
  25. What is your plan for remaining pure?
  26. What are your physical boundaries in this relationship and what is your plan for reaching those goals?
  27. Who have you asked to hold you accountable/to assist you in reaching those goals?  Has this person proven themselves to have already succeeded in purity?
  28. (Potential Spouse), tell me what you respect and admire about (Daughter)?
  29. (Daughter), tell me what you respect and admire about (Potential Spouse)?
  30. (Potential Spouse), what are some things that irritate you about (Daughter)?
  31. Tell me about the last conflict you were involved in. (Note: Just listen to their response and see if they walked away, blew up, demanded their own way, or did they work to come up with options that both agreed on and calmly and humbly worked out their differences?
  32. What were the compromises that were met?  Did both sides leave the table thrilled with the compromises?  As the man of the house, God holds you responsible for bringing the two of you to agreement.
  33. To what degree do you agree or disagree with the agreement model of marriage:  That it is the husband’s responsibility to present options that both husband & wife will be overwhelmingly pleased with.”? (Note: This is huge. Listen very carefully to their response.)
  34. What are your spiritual goals for 2010?
  35. If I asked your younger brother how easily does (Potential Spouse) admit when he is wrong? What would he tell me?  What if I asked your Dad how humble you are on a scale from 1 – 10? What number would he give me? What if I asked your mom,  “In the last year how often did (Potential Spouse)  come up to you after a disagreement and say,  ‘I’m sorry for my arrogance, I was wrong, would you forgive me?”‘  What number would she give? Never, once, 20 times or hundreds of times?
  36. What kind of baggage are you bringing into this relationship?
Closing Comments & Advice
  1. Every day commit to learning how to better manage your: Relationships, Time or Money.
  2. Note:  Not all 3 every day but every day in these areas of life.
  3. Read “Finding the Love of Your Life.”  by: Neil Clark Warner.
  4. Read “101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged” by: H. Norman Wright
  5. Read “Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts” by: Leslie Parrot.
  6. Go slow, don’t be in a hurry.  NEVER get married in less than 2 years.
  7. Love MUST have TIME to grow!
  8. NEVER get married unless your dating relationship has experienced some negative experiences.
The above interview is what I used to give to my DOKA (Daughters of the King Alumni) Dads.  Then one day a father came to me and said, “Do you have anything that’s more appropriate for a guy who wants to take my daughter to the prom?” So I gave him this.  This is more appropriate for high schoolers.  This came off Track 9 of “Interviewing Your Daughters Date”. You can order this CD, a must have for all fathers by going to:
Interview Light:
Interview Questions for your Daughters Date: Pray and ask God to give you wisdom and discernment as to whether the young man who is asking to date your daughter is a man who is respectful and honorable.
Family, Work Habits, Life Plans, Christian Testimony, Driving, Overall Appearance:
1.   What does your Dad do?
2.   Tell me about your mom and what she does?
3.   Tell me about your brothers and sisters and how well do you get along with them?
4.   What are things like at your home?
1.   Are you working in a job right now?
2.   How many hours are you putting in?
3.   How do you like your job and what are your ambitions for the future?
4.   Do your parents expect you to do much work around the house?
1.   What do you plan to do in the next few years?  Is it college, work, military?
2.   What do you like doing, what are some of your dreams and goals that you hope to achieve?
CHRISTIAN TESTIMONY:  This might be the most important questions you can ask:
1.   Tell me about your church attendance?
2.   How often do you go to church?
3.   Where do you go to church?
4.   Do you like it?
5.   Have you come to a conclusion about who Jesus Christ really is?
6.   How did you become a Christian?
7.   What difference does Jesus Christ make in your life right now?
1.   How many tickets have you gotten?
2.   How many wrecks have you been in?
3.   Have you ever gotten into trouble with your parents for being irresponsible with your car?
1.   Is he wearing a dirty shirt or ragged pants with holes in them?
2.   How does he handle himself?
3.   What kind of manners does he demonstrate?
4.   What kind of answers does he have to your questions?
5.   How does he address you?
6.   Even the handshake he gives you will tell something about him.
Based on what you already know about the boy and what your daughter has told you about him, tailor the interview around him, after all you may be looking at your future son-in-law.
Fathers, by stepping up to the plate you are demonstrating to your daughter that she is highly valued, respected and loved.  She will feel protected and honored if you take the time to get to know her dates.  If a man has been honorable he will WANT to answer these questions.  If he has failed in some areas and expresses his brokeness for his mistakes, you will know that God is able to use that man to advance the kingdom of heaven.  If a man is not willing to sit down with you and answer these questions, then he is not worthy of time with your most precious, and valued daughter.

About Professional Parenting

Wife, mother, motivational speaker, author, counselor and teacher. I have 3 adult children and a husband of 27 years. For the past 13 years I have served the youth and their parents at Liberty Church in Marietta Georgia. I loved everything about being a mom: I loved the terrible twos, and the terrifying teens, and the cake in my hair, and the spilled punch. I loved the chaos, the noise, the craziness of tons of kids. It was everything I wanted in my life. I loved that constant overwhelming feeling of someone being completely dependent on me as well as that joyful, aweful feeling of watching that same someone just 18 years later leave me and go off in the world on their own. Interests: * Christian * wife * mom * child training * pre-teens * teenagers * youth group * young girls * young women * seasoned sisters Favorite Books: * "Praying for Your Adult Children" By: Stormie Omartian * "Life on the Edge" By Dr. Dobson (Note: This was required reading for my kids when they turned 13.)
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